Jerry Springer's Head
by Kimiko1
Summary: YAOI The rating's for language. This was an entry for a GWML fic contest; the theme was talk shows. Relena calls the whole gang on the Jerry Springer's Head Show (it's in the future, so his head's in a jar), and madness ensues.


Title: Jerry Springer's Head  
Author: Kimiko  
Email: kimiko@theunknown.com  
Archive: FF.net. Want it? We'll talk.  
Fandom: Gundam Wing   
Warnings: Yaoi, my standard (1x2, 4x3, 13x6, 13x5). Psycho audience  
members, Evil Relena, and people's heads preserved in glass jars.  
Extreme silliness. No doubt wildly OOC.  
Disclaimers: None of the characters depicted herein are mine; the   
anime charas belong to their respective owners, and the swooning   
audience members and Jerry Springer belong to themselves. As for   
the homophobe, he's not mine either - but who'd want one?   
Cameos by charas from Sailor Moon and Yu Yu Hakusho. Some   
concepts pilfered from Futurama; no actual Futurama characters   
appear.   
A/N: This was fun. Let me tell ya. Cheered me up from the Pern   
fiasco. ^_^ (Don't ask; it was a GWML reference.)  
  
~HAJIME~  
  
We open on a television studio. Arranged on the stage in a loose   
semicircle are several identical lightly padded chairs. Looking on   
from the audience are a motley assortment of people - humans   
and, though not easily detected, demons as well. Seated   
conspicuously in the front row are the Outer Senshi minus Saturn;   
almost hiding in a corner are the Reikai Tantei and pals.  
  
To the left of the stage, on a stand custom-made for the purpose,   
sits a glass jar containing some clear liquid substance and Jerry   
Springer's head.  
  
The lights come up, the cameras turn on, and the audience cheers   
as the show begins.  
  
Audience: *cheering loudly* JERRY'S HEAD! JERRY'S HEAD!   
JERRY'S HEAD!  
  
Jerry Springer's head (JSh): Thank you. I've got an interesting   
show for you today - "Cheating Homosexual Bishounen Terrorists   
and the World Leaders Who Covet Them".  
  
Audience: OOH! JERRY'S HEAD! JERRY'S HEAD! JERRY'S   
HEAD! JERRY'S HEAD!   
  
*subsides*  
  
Random Audience Member: GAY PEOPLE SUCK!  
  
Heero (backstage): *presses detonator button* Ninmu kanryou.  
  
The man who spoke explodes suddenly in his seat.  
  
Audience: OOOOOOOH! AAAAAH! JERRY'S HEAD! JERRY'S   
HEAD!  
  
JSh: *sweatdrop* Ah, ahahah, yes, well... Let's just bring on the first   
guest. She's a renowned pacifist and leader - let's welcome the   
Queen of the World, Miss Relena Peacecraft!  
  
Enter Relena, dressed in a nondescript beige business suit and   
tasteful heels, carrying a black briefcase. She sits in one of the   
chairs.  
  
Audience: YAY! JERRY'S HEAD! JERRY'S HEAD!  
  
JSh: Miss Peacecraft, you are the one who called our show, is that   
correct?  
  
Relena: Yes.  
  
JSh: So what is it about the gundam pilots that you yourself are   
attracted to?  
  
Relena (gushing): Well, I don't know or care about the other four,   
but my Heero's just gorgeous! He's got these beautiful eyes... And I   
just know he loves *me*, that braided maniac has him brainwashed!   
If I could just talk to him...  
  
JSh: Well, why don't we bring out Heero?  
  
Enter Heero, looking very put out, clad as usual in spandex and   
tank top. He sits in the chair farthest from Relena.  
  
Female (and some male) Audience Members: *wolf whistles*   
WOOOO! YEAH BABY! JERRY'S HEAD! JERRY'S HEAD!   
JERRY'S HEAD! JERRY'S HEAD! JERRY'S HEAD!  
  
Heero: Omae o korosu. *pulls gun from Spandex Space, trains on   
random female audience member*  
  
Random Female Audience Member: EEP! *dives under chair*  
  
The audience subsides, and not a collective peep is heard for the   
rest of the show.  
  
JSh: Relena, what would you like to say to Heero?  
  
Relena stands and, smiling naively, approaches Heero. He points   
the gun at her; she ignores it.  
  
Relena: Heero. I love you, dear. You know I do. And you know you   
love me back, but that's okay, you don't have to admit it right now. I   
know that evil American has you under some sort of hypnosis and   
you can't reveal your true feelings. But I know you love me and I   
promise I'll help you free yourself from him!  
  
Heero: Hn. *pulls trigger...*  
  
The bullet curves in its path upon encountering Relena's Anti-  
Reality Field (ARF), to make an interesting hole in the wall just   
above Kuwabara's head.  
  
Kuwabara: HEY! Stupid little shrimp! Why I oughtta...  
  
Heero fixes him with a Glare O' Painful Death, and he subsides.   
Relena continues to gaze at Heero adoringly, a stupid smile on her   
face. She plops down in the chair next to him, and he promptly   
stands and moves to the chair at the other end of the stage.  
  
JSh: *sweatdrop* Um... Heero, is there anything else you'd like to   
say?  
  
Heero: *glare*  
  
JSh (an octave higher than usual): Okay... Let's bring out Duo   
Maxwell.  
  
Enter Duo, clad in the Priest OutfitTM. He glomps Heero, and they   
kiss passionately, then Duo opts to remain on his koibito's lap as   
opposed to another chair. Relena stands and places her hands on   
her hips.  
  
Relena: *sputters * Get away from him, you - you whore!  
  
Duo: *laughs* What? Me, a whore? I've only been with one man...  
  
Heero tightens his arms around *his* Braided Wonder.  
  
Heero: Mine.  
  
Duo: And that's because I WUV HIM! *showers Heero with kisses*  
  
Audience: Awww...  
  
Heero glares pointedly at the audience, which subsides.  
  
Heero (to Duo, affectionately): Baka.  
  
Relena arches one eyebrow eloquently at Duo.  
  
Relena: Well... according to several very reliable internet sources...   
you've been with others.  
  
Heero and Duo (simultaneously): NANI?!  
  
Relena (smugly): I've been surfing the online Gundam Wing   
fandom community, and let's just say there are several play-by-play   
accounts - not to mention the incriminating pictures!  
  
Duo: You can't possibly believe her, Heero-koi. I've never been with   
anyone but you. I love you.  
  
Heero: Baka.  
  
Relena: I think we should bring out the other involved parties and   
see what they have to say.  
  
JSh: Who do you suggest first, Relena?  
  
Relena: How about... *makes a great show of thinking* Chang   
Wufei.  
  
Duo bursts out laughing.  
  
Duo: WHAT? You think me... and... WUFEI... That's rich!  
  
Relena pulls a sheaf of papers from her briefcase.  
  
Relena: Would you like me to read the text aloud?  
  
JSh: Sorry, Relena, but this is a daytime show. So let's bring out   
Chang Wufei.  
  
Enter Wufei, looking just a bit confused and very pissed. He spots   
Relena, shoots her a glare that obviously says, "I have at least   
twelve things better to do right now, and this is your fault," and sits   
reasonably near Heero and Duo.  
  
JSh: Wufei, what's your part in all this?  
  
Wufei: I work with them. *jerks his thumb at Heero and Duo*  
  
Relena (pointedly): Is that ALL you do with them?  
  
Wufei (glaring): Yes. Why?  
  
Relena gets up and takes the papers over to him, pointing at   
several sections which we can see are highlighted. Blood begins to   
trickle out of Wufei's nose and he absently wipes it away as his   
eyes widen.  
  
Wufei: I can assure you that THAT... NEVER happened. And never   
will.  
  
Duo: I tried to tell her, man.  
  
Wufei: Stupid onna.  
  
Relena sputters angrily and incoherently, and returns to her seat.  
  
JSh: *sweatdrop* Uh... Well, Wufei, it says here that you, uh, have   
been with someone... can you tell us who?  
  
Wufei looks at Duo and Heero out of the corner of his eye, blushes   
deeply, and coughs while muttering something.  
  
JSh: What was that? I couldn't quite hear you...  
  
Wufei: Treize Kushrenada.  
  
JSh: What would you say if we told you he was HERE RIGHT   
NOW?  
  
Wufei facevaults.  
  
Wufei: N-nani?  
  
JSh: Treize Kushrenada, come on out!  
  
Enter Treize, dressed in a black suit and tie with a dark blue shirt.   
He winks suggestively at Wufei, sits next to him, and kisses him   
soundly.  
  
Treize: Hello, dragon.  
  
Wufei sputters incoherently, blushes, and wipes at the blood which   
has begun to trickle out of his nose again. Duo snickers and Heero   
grunts.  
  
Relena stands and points a finger accusingly at Treize.  
  
Relena: You're cheating on *him*, too, you know.  
  
Wufei: NANI?  
  
Treize: Is that so?  
  
Relena (smugly): Mmm-hmm. With Zechs Marquise.  
  
Treize: Kuso.  
  
Wufei: You dishonorable cur! How dare you? *whips out katana*  
  
JSh: *sweatdrop*  
  
Treize: Now, dragon, don't overreact...  
  
Wufei: OVERREACT? I'll show YOU overreact, you... you...  
  
Treize stands, backs a few paces away, and bolts. Wufei chases   
him around the chairs, off the stage, through the aisles, over   
several audience members, and back on stage, to circle the chairs   
repeatedly.  
  
Kurama: Talk about overreacting...  
  
Hiei: Hn. How else should he react?  
  
Kurama: ...well, what if I were to -  
  
Hiei: You'd be dead.  
  
Kurama: Eep.  
  
Relena: Jerry's head, don't we have Zechs here as well?  
  
JSh: Uh... *checks notes* I believe we do. Why don't we bring him   
out?  
  
Enter Zechs, clad in tight jeans and a dark red T-shirt. *drool* He   
takes one look at Treize and Wufei, still running around the chairs,   
and sweatdrops.  
  
Zechs: Uh... I don't want to get involved.  
  
Relena (sweetly): Oh, but you already are... they're fighting   
because Treize is cheating on Wufei with you.  
  
Zechs: What? ...Actually, I think it's the other way around... He's   
cheating on me with Wufei.  
  
Relena: Huh?   
  
Zechs (calmly): Well, we were together first...  
  
Treize: Hello, Milliard.  
  
Zechs: Stop calling me that!  
  
Wufei: How come you're so calm about all this?  
  
Zechs (airily): Oh, I knew.  
  
Wufei: NANI?  
  
He seems to be saying that a lot, lately...  
  
Zechs: Aa, we talk about you when we're in bed...  
  
Wufei: KISAMA!  
  
Wufei advances on Zechs.  
  
Treize: You ought to join us some time, dragon.  
  
Zechs: *nodz* It'd be fun.  
  
Wufei pauses to consider this, then puts the katana away.  
  
Wufei: Sou.  
  
Relena begins to look put out.  
  
Relena: You people are more messed up than I thought... and my   
own BROTHER! Gods!  
  
Duo: Lighten up, Relena. And while you're at it - get a fucking life   
and stop stalking my man.  
  
Relena appears to remember her purpose.  
  
Relena: That's not the only guy you've cheated with, though, Duo!  
  
Duo: Whatever. I never cheated at all.  
  
Relena: I beg to differ. Can we bring out Quatre?  
  
JSh: Who's running this show, you or me?  
  
Relena: *smiles sweetly* I'm the Queen of the World.  
  
JSh: *sweatdrop* Okay, let's bring out Quatre Raberba Winner.  
  
Enter Quatre, dressed in pants that are too long for him, with his   
shirt on inside-out and backwards and his hair a mess.  
  
Duo: Q-man, what have you been up to? *chuckles*  
  
Quatre blushes and sits in a random chair.  
  
Quatre: Um...  
  
Duo: Are those... TROWA'S pants?  
  
Quatre: Uh...  
  
Duo: I see.  
  
Heero: Hn.  
  
Relena: I'll just get to the point. Quatre, have you at any time had   
sexual relations with this man? *points at Duo*  
  
Quatre: Wha - NO! *blushes furiously*  
  
Duo: Relena, could you just give it up already?  
  
Relena: Are you sure, Quatre?  
  
Quatre: I'm positive I'd remember that. And NOT in a good way, no   
offense, Duo.  
  
Duo: None taken. Not to mention Trowa woulda killed me ages ago,   
if that had been the case.  
  
Quatre blushes and nods.  
  
Duo (smugly): See? Give it up, Relena.  
  
Relena: Speaking of Trowa...  
  
Duo: Don't tell me - I "cheated" with him, too, ne?  
  
Relena nods smugly.  
  
Duo: I'm sure if I had Quatre woulda killed me.  
  
Heero: Not unless I hadn't killed you first.  
  
Duo: Of course, koi. *glomps*  
  
JSh: *sweatdrop* Okay, let's just bring out Trowa Barton and put an   
end to this mess before we run out of time...  
  
Enter Trowa, wearing pants that are too short for him. He sits next   
to Quatre and smiles very, very, VERY faintly.  
  
Relena: Trowa, you've been with Duo, am I correct?  
  
Trowa: ...  
  
Duo: Of course he hasn't! Get it through your head, Relena - I   
HAVEN'T BEEN WITH ANYONE BUT HEERO!  
  
Trowa: ...  
  
Quatre: Exactly. *pats Trowa's hand*  
  
Relena scowls at the printouts of fanfics in her hands.  
  
Relena: Then where the hell did THESE come from?  
  
An audience member stands up.  
  
Audience Member: I believe I can answer that.  
  
JSh: Who are you?  
  
Audience Member: I'm Kimiko, a fic writer.  
  
Relena: What the hell do you want?  
  
Kimiko: Those are fanfics. That is, fan FICTION. None of it's true.   
People make it up because they're bored and have nothing better   
to do at the time. What were you hoping to accomplish here,   
anyway, Relena?  
  
Relena looks at her hands.  
  
Relena: I wanted Heero to see how wrong it is, the way he thinks   
he feels about Duo, and I thought if I could convince him Duo was   
cheating on him, he'd see how wrong homosexuality is.  
  
Sailor Neptune and Sailor Uranus shoot to their feet.   
  
Sailor Neptune and Sailor Uranus: THERE'S NOTHING WRONG   
WITH HOMOSEXUALITY!  
  
Kurama: Damn straight.  
  
JSh: I'm afraid that's really all the time we have... Thanks for   
watching!  
  
~OWARI~  
  
This has been a Kimiko SillyFic. We are not responsible for any   
psychological damage you may have suffered. Thank you and   
goodnight.  



End file.
